The Lazy Gnome...

One of my professors is from the middle east. He is short, round, has an accent, and looks a lot like a cartoon character. The following is his excuse for being late today. Poor guy.

"Since I was running late, I decided to park behind one of the fraternity houses across the street from class. I was feeling very lucky because this huge truck had its reverse lights on. So, I stopped my car and prepared to park in their spot. I was sitting there for a while, and they still hadn't backed out. So I decided to tap the horn in my car. The horn got stuck and would not stop beeping. At this moment, five very large boys got out of the truck and began to approach me. I jumped out of my car and told them to please not hurt me...that I am a professor and my horn was stuck. The biggest of the guys came over, and, without saying a word, he punched the hood of my car. This stopped the horn from honking. They then got back into their truck and backed out. After I parked my car, I got out and was hurrying across the street to class with my books and papers. At this time, the same truck pulled very quickly around the corner, rolled down the windows, and the people inside showed me a choice finger. Then a girl got out of the truck and ran over to me crying saying she was so sorry. She was one of my students and was worried that I would hold this against her and ruin her grade. I just want all of you to know that, when I am in this class, I am your teacher...but outside of this class you can show me any finger you want. I probably deserve this finger anyway."

It was so pretty on Saturday that I decided to take my dogs on a nice walk through the neighborhood. As you may recall, Teddy was still recovering from his surgery, so he still had to wear his lampshade. As if he wasn't embarrassed enough, it was still pretty nippy out...so I put on his sweater along with the lampshade. He seemed a little nervous at first, but after a block or so he seemed to be more comfortable with his appearance despite the cars that would slow down to figure out just what in the world I was walking down the street. We were about three blocks from the safety of my apartment...that's when it happened. Our walk was cut short because Teddy needed to take a poop, and the poop got stuck in his butt hair. He tried to run away from the poop that was clinging on to him, but he could not escape it. I tried to help him by poking at the cling-on with a stick, but it was no use. All the while cars were passing by...slowing down to observe the situation. Teddy then decided to try to scoot across the grass on his bottom in an attempt to wipe it off. This was a terrible idea. Teddy successfully smeared poop all over his bottom. He tried to turn his head to see what was going on back there. In doing so, Teddy got poop all over his lampshade. What is a mother to do? You could see the embarrassment and horror in his face. He wanted me to pick him up and carry him home, but that would mean getting poop all over me. Dolly and I were pretty embarrassed to be seen with Teddy at this point. Even worse, Teddy wasn't allowed to take a bath for at least another week. We dragged Teddy home and made the executive decision to disregard doctor's orders and give him a sort of sponge bath. Poor Teddy. No more long walks until he gets a haircut.

Dear PIB,
Today marks young Teddy's last day as a man. To put it in a more...disturbing way, the vet announced, "I'm just gonna pick pocket that cute little coin purse of his." Poor Teddy. He seemed so happy when I left.

1) Finnish Thank-You notes in a reasonable time frame

2) Stop procrastinating (well...get things finnished with at least 24 hours to spare)

3) Train Teddy (the puppy that has slowly been destroying my apartment over the past 5 months)

4) Wake up at a normal hour (basically anything earlier than noon)

5) Go to the gym (occasionally)

6) Post on my blog more often