The Lazy Gnome...

I don't know why, but, while attending boarding school in CT, I was dubbed "Gnome." Apparently it had something to do with my mischeivious nature and short stature {5'2" (PIB: don't give me shit. That's what it says on my drivers liscence...so it's like...the law)} in comparison with my siblings (who average about 6'). Soon after, people started giving me little gnomes as gifts because they apparently reminded them of me (which really never made much sense to me since I lack a beard and red, pointy hat). Any way, Turd gave me a small gnome and a book about gnomes as a present. After reading through the book, I learned that you are supposed to give every gnome figurine a name and a specific job. If you fail to do this, then the gnome may come to life and hide important things from you/try to ruine your life. Since the idea of little figurines coming to life in order to harm me in some way scares the living shit out of me, I quickly named all the creepy little dudes and gave them various jobs that I figured even the "specialist" of gnomes could perform. I named the gnome that Turd gave me, Hans, and told him that his job was to protect Mr. Pops (my turtle). A couple of days later, as some of you may remember, Mr. Pops was found dead on his bridge. Well, I didn't want to blame the tragedy on Hans since there was no sign of a struggle at the scene. So, after I had some time to grieve, I reassigned Hans to slightly easier jobs, such as making sure my printer didn't jam. Well, my printer never jamed, but that's only because ever since I gave Hans the job, the printer hasn't worked AT ALL! Coincidence? Well, I learned that gnomes are happiest in garden environments (hence "Garden Gnomes), and I decided that Hans was simply depressed and needed a change of scenery. So, as a last resort, I gave Hans the duty of tending to my potted plant (which had bloomed hot pink flowers all semester). First, all the petals wilted off, then the plant began to die. I tried to save the plant by adding some miracle grow to it, but the plant continued to wilt. Then, a week later, I noticed a weed growing in the pot. This made me come to the conclusion that this gnome was, in some way, evil. I decided to exile him from my apartment to live with someone I am not very fond of, but the gnome has gone missing! I'm really freaked out...what if he knew my plan for him and wants revenge?!?