The Lazy Gnome...

Bad Puppy!

2010-02-15T12:08:00.001-08:00

So, I went skiing this past week and left my little angel, Teddy, a 9lb yorkiepoo, in the care of my roommate, Susie. The week passed by quickly with no word from my roommate, so I texted her to check in assumming that no news was good news. This is what she texted back:

Susie: "Well he had a hurt leg on Monday. Tuesday he pooped in my room. Wednesday and Thursday he pooped and peeped in the downstairs bathroom. He is in a better mood this morning. I think he is lonely and lashing out."

Spectacular Bud

2009-08-06T20:47:00.000-07:00

If tears could build a stairway

And memories were a lane

I would walk right up to heaven

And bring you back again

Since you'll never be forgotten

I pledge to you today

A hallowed place within my heart

Is where you'll always stay

-Author Unknown

Assuming a bear shits in the woods...

2009-06-19T06:05:00.000-07:00

While responding to PIB's comment on the previous post, another case came to mind:

Say, for example, there is a prostitute living in a land where prostitutes are legal. Not only does everyone in this land know that this woman is a prostitute, they ALSO know exactly what she charges for her services.

Case 1:
A man then intentionally rapes her. After raping her, he throws down the exact amount of money she would have charged had it been a consensual act.

OR

Case 2:
Same scenario, only this time the man isn't aware that he has raped the town whore until after he has raped her. BUT once he realizes who he has actually raped, he quickly throws down the exact amount of money she would normally charge for her services before running away.

It can't be stealing since the man has paid in either case, right? So, is it rape? Would it still be rape if she was on-duty at the time...or would that even matter? And is one case more morally wrong than the other?

Does a bear shit in the woods?

2009-06-17T17:11:00.000-07:00

An interesting question popped into my head today while I was vacuuming. Rather than try to explain my random train of thought, I will just go ahead and state the question:

If someone has sex with a prostitute without paying, is it rape? Is it stealing?

After consulting a friend on the matter, we both agreed that it would be considered stealing since you have received a service that you have not paid for. Then, after further thought, my friend added that if the prostitute is your wife, then it would be rape. Thoughts?

Dolly 1995-2008

2008-12-23T00:28:00.000-08:00

Professor X Goes to Paris

2008-02-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

Airport security has been pretty interesting ever since 911. I honestly couldn't tell you if travel has gotten any safer despite the security guards holding their M16s at the security check. Over the summer, I took a commercial flight. I carry tear gas and a 5'' knife in my purse on any given day...and accidently forgot to remove these items from my purse and put them into my checked luggage before the security checkpoint. I was a little nervous, but remained calm as I placed my purse onto the conveyor belt. I figured that they would probably just pull me aside and confiscate my weapons of destruction. Maybe they would scold me. Maybe I was going to be in deep shit. I really didn't know. Well, my purse made it through security without a second glance...and I walked calmly onto the unsuspecting plane. Should I be happy that I didn't get stopped? Should I be horrified?

Professor X has not been so lucky with travel. He told us the following story to keep us from falling asleep during his lecture on Java Programming:

"I was very frustrated when I got to the airport. From the moment I walked into the building the people were wanting to check my bags every 5 feet. When I finally got through security I decided to upgrade to first class. I was very excited because there was a spot available. Then the woman at the desk told me that the pilot wanted to speak to me. I was kind of suprised. The pilot came to me and wanted to buy me coffee at the McDonalds. Did you know that these pilots don't have to pay for any of the food at airports? After he got me my coffee, he put his arm around my shoulder and asked, 'How do you feel about foreign policies in this country?' I told him that I liked them just fine, to which he responded, 'Good! Just want to make sure we have a safe flight.' I asked him what foreign policy had to do with him flying the plane safely...Deep down I was a bit offended. I think I gave him some choice words after explaining to him that I have been in this country for 18 years."

The class got really quiet. We really didn't know what to say. We felt sorry for the guy. I could just imagine him...all dressed up in one of his plaid flannel shirts and khaki pants that were pulled up a little too high over his round belly. It was just depressing.

"Hmm...I guess this story isn't so funny. I take things like this with a light heart. Another time, a woman came up to me to offer me some food. I told her that I couldn't have this food because I was fasting, to which she responded, 'Ohh...You're one of those people that flew the planes into the buildings in New York.' I told her, 'No...I didn't get the e-mail in time.' She did not think this was funny. I thought this was funny. Do you? Oh never mind...I give up. Class is over."

Poor Professor. All those people were worried about him getting onto the plane while people like me (complete with raging hormones, tear gas, and a 5'' knife) are walking through security without a care in the world. It is pretty ridiculous.

Lifting

2008-02-04T10:30:00.000-08:00

Most boy dogs choose to lift their leg while peeing...but not Teddy. He just takes a slightly wider stance on all fours. I'm not sure if lifting the leg is instinctual, or if some dog centuries ago decided that it was just the "cool" thing to do. Well, I was out walking Teddy and Dolly at the same time one of my neighbors was walking his [male] dog. Teddy watched as the other dog walked proudly up to a tree and lifted his leg. Then Teddy walked up to the closest tree and paused. He was about to assume his normal peeing position, but, since the other dog was watching (as well as Dolly and several squirrels), Teddy decided to try to lift his leg. I was pretty suprised. It was kind of emotional...watching my little baby try to do a grown up pee. Dolly seemed unimpressed. It was obvious that he was a novice at this. He was pretty wobbly on just three legs, and was having trouble keeping the lifted leg steady. First his leg was too low, then up too high...it was like watching a beginner yoga class. Then he began to release his bladder...and, just as he had a steady stream going, he toppled over mid-pee. Poor Teddy. He was so embarrassed...I was so embarrassed. Dolly smiled and wagged her tail (she seems to get pleasure out of watching him fail). I wouldn't be suprised if this scars him for life.

Professor X

2008-01-30T12:08:00.001-08:00

One of my professors is from the middle east. He is short, round, has an accent, and looks a lot like a cartoon character. The following is his excuse for being late today. Poor guy.

"Since I was running late, I decided to park behind one of the fraternity houses across the street from class. I was feeling very lucky because this huge truck had its reverse lights on. So, I stopped my car and prepared to park in their spot. I was sitting there for a while, and they still hadn't backed out. So I decided to tap the horn in my car. The horn got stuck and would not stop beeping. At this moment, five very large boys got out of the truck and began to approach me. I jumped out of my car and told them to please not hurt me...that I am a professor and my horn was stuck. The biggest of the guys came over, and, without saying a word, he punched the hood of my car. This stopped the horn from honking. They then got back into their truck and backed out. After I parked my car, I got out and was hurrying across the street to class with my books and papers. At this time, the same truck pulled very quickly around the corner, rolled down the windows, and the people inside showed me a choice finger. Then a girl got out of the truck and ran over to me crying saying she was so sorry. She was one of my students and was worried that I would hold this against her and ruin her grade. I just want all of you to know that, when I am in this class, I am your teacher...but outside of this class you can show me any finger you want. I probably deserve this finger anyway."

Walk of Shame

2008-01-22T12:32:00.000-08:00

It was so pretty on Saturday that I decided to take my dogs on a nice walk through the neighborhood. As you may recall, Teddy was still recovering from his surgery, so he still had to wear his lampshade. As if he wasn't embarrassed enough, it was still pretty nippy out...so I put on his sweater along with the lampshade. He seemed a little nervous at first, but after a block or so he seemed to be more comfortable with his appearance despite the cars that would slow down to figure out just what in the world I was walking down the street. We were about three blocks from the safety of my apartment...that's when it happened. Our walk was cut short because Teddy needed to take a poop, and the poop got stuck in his butt hair. He tried to run away from the poop that was clinging on to him, but he could not escape it. I tried to help him by poking at the cling-on with a stick, but it was no use. All the while cars were passing by...slowing down to observe the situation. Teddy then decided to try to scoot across the grass on his bottom in an attempt to wipe it off. This was a terrible idea. Teddy successfully smeared poop all over his bottom. He tried to turn his head to see what was going on back there. In doing so, Teddy got poop all over his lampshade. What is a mother to do? You could see the embarrassment and horror in his face. He wanted me to pick him up and carry him home, but that would mean getting poop all over me. Dolly and I were pretty embarrassed to be seen with Teddy at this point. Even worse, Teddy wasn't allowed to take a bath for at least another week. We dragged Teddy home and made the executive decision to disregard doctor's orders and give him a sort of sponge bath. Poor Teddy. No more long walks until he gets a haircut.

TEDDY

2008-01-15T06:42:00.000-08:00

Snip-Snip

2008-01-14T17:12:00.000-08:00

Dear PIB,
Today marks young Teddy's last day as a man. To put it in a more...disturbing way, the vet announced, "I'm just gonna pick pocket that cute little coin purse of his." Poor Teddy. He seemed so happy when I left.

New Year's Resolutions

2008-01-14T01:11:00.000-08:00

1) Finnish Thank-You notes in a reasonable time frame

2) Stop procrastinating (well...get things finnished with at least 24 hours to spare)

3) Train Teddy (the puppy that has slowly been destroying my apartment over the past 5 months)

4) Wake up at a normal hour (basically anything earlier than noon)

5) Go to the gym (occasionally)

6) Post on my blog more often

Teddy

2007-09-01T20:41:00.000-07:00

For about a year I have been wanting a puppy. Yes...I know I already have a fantastic dog (Dolly), but I wanted something small I could cuddle with that wouldn't shed. I would spend countless hours on the internet browsing through thousands of puppy adds, but I would always chicken-out at the last minute. As much as I wanted a puppy, I could think of thousands of reasons why I shouldn't get one (i.e.- money, potty training, chewing, Dolly getting jealous).

At the same time, I figured that this would be the best time for me to buy a puppy because I have such a light schedule this semester. I decided that if I got a puppy, I wanted a black female toy poodle. Black shows less dirt. Females are supposedly easier to train. Poodles don't shed. Poodles are one of the smartest breeds... Problem 1: female dogs are generally much more expensive than males. Problem 2: The smaller the dog, the more expensive.

I could think of so many other things I could/should waste my money on. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I came across an add for a small black male yorkie-poo (Not exactly what I wanted, but...). I became so fixed on my puppy craving that I wrote down the phone number, got directions, and withdrew money from the bank...but by the time I had done all of this, it was rush-hour traffic. I got on the highway anyway, then exited 3 times as I went back and forth in my mind about the potential mistake I was about to make. I ended up driving back to my mom's instead. I sat around there for about 30 minutes before driving to my friend's house where she was watching a show with a cute little black puppy on it. That was it. I piled my friends into the car and we were off on the puppy hunt.

A 45 minute drive later I began to get a knot in my stomache. I was worried that the puppy wouldn't be cute...or whatever, and I felt obligated to do something since I had dragged my friends all the way out to this place with me. The puppy was located inside a pink trailer house with lots of yard art in the front including statues of unicorns. When we knocked on the door, a little old woman crawled out. I immediatly spotted the puppies. There were 2 boys. They were identicle. The mom, a 4 pound yorkie, was watching them intently. I picked the puppy that looked most alert and gave me the most kisses, then handed my cash over to the old woman faster than you can say coco! He looked like a little teddy bear. So, I named him Teddy. He weighed only 1.1 pounds. So tiny!

I love him so much! Despite having to wake up every 3 hours to let him out (and still having to clean up poops and pees) I am glad I got him.

There you go. That is the story of my new little puppy...so far. I will try to get PIB to upload the pictures I took of him so that all of y'all can be jealous.

Drama

2007-02-22T13:03:00.000-08:00

If you are interested in my current drama, please visit my sister's site: http://blinkyblinkyblink.blogspot.com/

Midnight Tomorrow

2006-10-24T20:39:00.000-07:00

I expect everyone to either buy me a drink or lavish gift...or no cake for you! If you don't want to drink tomorrow, then I still expect you to show up to take my cell phone away/ confirm whether the person I am talking to is cute or not/ drive me and my entourage home (if this is you, then you may want to line the seats with pastic bags...just in case).

Apartment for Rent

2006-10-02T21:32:00.000-07:00

My roommate moved out, and I need a new roommate.

Contagious Alopecia

2006-09-04T13:06:00.000-07:00

PIB recently wrote a post on her battle with the contagious disease known as Alopecia. Now...many of you may be thinking, "I was told that Alopecia wasn't contagious." Hear me out:
No one in my family (that I am aware of) has ever suffered from Alopecia...unless you consider male pattern baldness to be disease related. PIB always had a healthy head of hair growing up. Then, one day...one fateful day in college, she made the decision to move in with someone suffering from an extreme case of the disease. Supposedly it was a huge intervention if and whenever this girl discovered a single hair growing on her toe. PIB began developing symptoms of the disease after only a few months of living with the girl. God knows what would have happened had PIB continued living with the girl for an extensive period of time. She terminated living arrangements (primarily due to the fact that she had graduated) before the disease had a chance to spread to the rest of her body.
I took up residence with PIB for one summer... Thankfully we were living in a very large house where contact between the two of us was kept to a minimal. I did not develop the disease. However, I recall shedding a lot more during the period of time I was living with her. Dolly was not as lucky. PIB took Dolly under her care shortly after moving home...showering her with love, and (unfortunately) the disease. Dolly, being a dog, was unaware of the detrimental effects that would soon come as a result of sharing a bedroom with PIB for two years. I brush her almost everyday, and every time I remove enough hair from her coat to create another Dolly. Sometimes I worry that I will catch the disease from being around Dolly, but so far the disease has been unable to make the move from animal to person the way that it apparently was able to move from person to animal.
Why anyone that suffers from the disease would actually want to donate what little hair they have left, I don't know. I do admire PIB (from a distance) for her courage in donating what she could knowing very well that they do not make eyebrow wigs. However, I do wish that she would let me borrow her Dyson.

Class Notes

2006-08-29T21:33:00.000-07:00

These are the notes that I took today in my economics class. I thought they were worthy of posting:

Socialism:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them and sells the milk.

Communism:
You have 2 cows. The governments takes both of them and distributes the milk.

Marxism:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them and sells you one.

Nazism:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

Beauracracy:
You have 2 cows. The government takes both of them, lets them die, and the milk goes to waste.

Capitalism:
You have 2 cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

The Buffalo Theory

2006-08-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

This made my week:

"A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. When the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest buffalo at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

Similarly, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells, but (naturally) it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. So, regular intake of alcohol eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. This is why you feel smarter after a few drinks."

Making Friends

2006-08-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

There is nothing quite like getting new neighbors. You never know what to expect. All summer long our neighbors to the right have been using our porch area as their personal trash can, our neighbors behind us have been writing us mock parking tickets and towing anyone they felt didn't belong, and our neighbors to the left ALWAYS walk outside right as my dog happens to be taking a huge shit in their yard. Since the trash problem was quickly becoming more and more...disgusting (no longer just beer cans and cig butts, but McDonald Happy Meals and milk shakes, I finally decided to write them a note that went something like:

Dear neighbors,
Please stop throwing your trash in our porch area every time you decide to have friends over. It is really rude!
Thanks!

24 hours later I got a positive response when 3 boys arrived at my door with roses. Now they invite us to all of their parties, but the trash problem has only gone down a little bit (I was sitting in my hammock the other night when I was almost killed by an old phone book that came flying over the fence...They were drunk, and I threw it back over and hit one of them in the head). We are great friends now.

Since my note was sort of effective in relieving neighbor tension, I decided to try a similar tactic with the neighbors behind us. So, the next time they left me a mean, "anonymous" note on my car with their sorority stationary, I left them a note in their mailbox that went something like:

We are all aware that the parking here sucks, but we are trying our best. Please stop putting fake parking tickets on our cars and trying to tow us. Thanks!

Apparently this was a HUGE mistake. You really don't wanna mess with SMU sophomore girls that think they are God's gift to the world. The next night I could not get a parking spot at all. They decided to have a party, and told their guests to just go ahead and park wherever... Melissa says that we should just burn their apartment down again (last year that apt. burned down) because it really freed up a lot of parking...I really did not know how to respond to this.

As for my neighbors to the left, they have a little animal that can hardly qualify as a dog that Dolly really likes to play with. Problem solved. They poop in the yard together and neither of us clean it up unless we see a park cities police car drive by.

Back to Skool...

2006-08-24T11:25:00.000-07:00

It is too hot to go to school. Lucky for me I got all my classes narrowed down to two buildings that are only about two blocks from my apt. Finding the right classes in buildings that close in the afternoon took skills. I deserve a cookie, damnit!

Deal's birthday at the Aquarium...

2006-08-18T19:42:00.000-07:00

The Runt (sooooo demanding)...

Not the aquarium...

Deal's at the aquarium...

One Penguin...

Two penguins (yes...the gnome can count. I got skillz. Mad skillz!)...

Melissa totally missing the concept...again.

Trevor (when he wasn't busy being a penguin)...

~ The end ~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

2006-08-08T17:31:00.000-07:00

Today is Deals's bday, and I'm taking her to the aquarium! There will be an update to this post...with photos!

Melissa's Blog

2006-07-30T23:33:00.000-07:00

Right now (at this very moment), Melissa is writing something “inappropriate” in her blog (shit…she just giggled that the entry she is working on right now is going to be really good…I’m so screwed). So, before all of you stop reading this entry to check out what she has said this time, PLEASE hear me out! I am well aware that many of my fans are very concerned about what I really do in my spare time, but I would like to reinstate that Melissa’s blog is NOT the place to be looking for answers. Just because Melissa and I are pretty much a package deal DOES NOT mean that we do EVERYTHING the same way (or together for that matter).
For whatever reason, my family secretly thinks that I am a screw up. From early on, I have been guilty by association with my friends. However, unlike many of my friends, I was NOT kicked out of boarding school, nor did I EVER have to go to rehab. I’m a good kid…I swear! I was always on honor roll…but I guess my parents think I just got lucky or cheated my way through it all. I really don’t know what they think that I’m hiding, but every time I tell them I can’t go with them to dinner because I need to study or write a paper, they think I’m ditching them for some guy or wild party.
Melissa thought about making a new blog site so she could write freely without getting me into trouble, but I don’t see why that is necessary. My family should be able to trust me. After all, I do tell them all about my personal life and problems (most of which probably shouldn’t be discussed sober outside of a bathroom…I think y’all know what I’m talking about). In fact, most of y’all wish that I wouldn’t give so much information…or at least put a little more thought into the way I present my um…information. So, just because MY blog is pg13 and Melissa’s is more uh…x-rated, does not mean in ANY way that I am leaving out important details. I would elaborate more on this, but Melissa has just crawled over to show Dolly the ‘correct’ way to chew her bone (no, she isn’t drunk), and I feel like I should be monitoring this in some way.

Miss Dolly

2006-07-25T11:31:00.000-07:00

Now that Dolly is "an old woman," the vet said she is supposed to stay inside and sleep a lot. Since that is what I stereotypically spend the majority of my time doing, PIB decided that Dolly should come live with me for "a while." So, as soon as I got back from Colorado, PIB dumped Dolly at my place...something about how she is my dog and how I'm supposed to take some sort of responsibility for her. I guess it makes sense with child support laws and all (even though she is...a DOG)!

Dolly used to hate coming to visit me because the service generally sucks at my apt. I mean, Melissa and I can hardly take care of ourselves. It's already hard enough for me to remember to take my meds and make it to class on time. So, you can probably imagine how stressful it was for me to remember to feed and walk Dolly. I tried to rationalize that since I usually sleep through breakfast, Dolly could do the same and just get extra dinner. It would really piss me off every time a car would pull up because Dolly would get all excited thinking that it was PIB coming to rescue her or something. What a bitch! To teach her a lesson, Melissa and I would make her watch that animal precinct show on TV while we were out doing stuff so she could see just how bad some doggies have it.

Apparently when PIB brought Dolly over this time, however, she got all excited. I think that she now thinks of my apt as a spa of some sort. She has gotten very demanding in her old age, and I think that she knows how to manipulate me. To get me up in the morning, she starts licking her paw for like an hour. Usually I can sleep through anything, but she licks SO loud and SO consistently that it drives me nuts! There is nothing on her friggin’ paw…she just does it to spite me cuz she knows that it's annoying as hell. I let her out to pee, and, luckily, since it so hot, she doesn’t really want to be outside anyway, and does all her business really quick and doesn’t really need to go out again ‘til around dinner time.

The second I let her back in she runs over to her bowl and stares at me like I'm dumb or something. If I try to go back to bed she just barks at me, so I go ahead and pour her kibble in her bowl along with her arthritis medicine to shut her up. She used to eat her medicine with her food, but she has taught me a pretty neat trick: she knows that she has to take that stupid pill, so she eats around the pill and leaves it in the bowl. I was so pissed the first time she did it that I shoved the pill down her throat, but that just made her puke on my carpet. So, now every morning I have to wrap the friggin’ pill in cheese to get her to eat it. The other day she tried to nibble the cheese off of the pill in order to get me to put more cheese on it, but I wasn’t gonna fall for that shit, and I think she knew it. It really is annoying how she kinda expects a dessert of some sort after every meal. I try not to give in because PIB is always saying how she is on a diet, and that if she gains any more weight it is gonna cost extra to bathe her at the vet and that I would have to pay for it. I always tell Dolly, “No means no…” but she really knows how to work people. She gives you this sexy look when you’re trying to eat your food, and at first you get mad at her because she is begging, but then she just keeps staring at you as if to say, “Should you really be eating that, fatass? I won’t say anything if you give me some.” So, you end up giving her like, a third of your meal.

During the day, I usually drag her bed into the living room so she can watch TV and nap comfortably. In return, she usually doesn’t bother me for anything unless I’m in the kitchen eating something that she strongly believes I should be sharing. I think most of my friends scare her because when they come over she usually retreats back into my bedroom. When she has decided that it is time for my friends to leave, she comes back into the living room and starts going at it with her bed like mad. It’s really embarrassing, and she won’t stop until they all leave. She really doesn’t want me to have a social life unless it benefits her in some way. She knows my friends won’t feed her or feel sorry for her, so she tries to get rid of them, but when I’m sick and people come over to take care of me she really knows how to milk it…like when I got really sick and my mom would pretend to come over to take care of me, but she was really coming over to check on Dolly because she was worried that, since I was sick, I wasn’t gonna be able to meet all of Dolly’s needs. Dolly would give her this pathetic look and I would tell my mom that I was taking care of Dolly and that she has been getting to sleep in and get lots of treats and not to give her anything else, but then my mom would give her like, a second breakfast, and then Dolly would just give me this look like, “I’m better than you.”

I tried to tell PIB that Dolly treats me like her slave and how she is really controlling, but PIB tries to make clever statements like, “Dude! She’s a DOG!” I think that Dolly likes being here now because she knows she can abuse me. No one believes me. I’m starting to wonder what PIB meant when she said that Dolly will be staying with me for “a while.”

Evil Gnome?

2006-07-05T14:56:00.000-07:00

I don't know why, but, while attending boarding school in CT, I was dubbed "Gnome." Apparently it had something to do with my mischeivious nature and short stature {5'2" (PIB: don't give me shit. That's what it says on my drivers liscence...so it's like...the law)} in comparison with my siblings (who average about 6'). Soon after, people started giving me little gnomes as gifts because they apparently reminded them of me (which really never made much sense to me since I lack a beard and red, pointy hat). Any way, Turd gave me a small gnome and a book about gnomes as a present. After reading through the book, I learned that you are supposed to give every gnome figurine a name and a specific job. If you fail to do this, then the gnome may come to life and hide important things from you/try to ruine your life. Since the idea of little figurines coming to life in order to harm me in some way scares the living shit out of me, I quickly named all the creepy little dudes and gave them various jobs that I figured even the "specialist" of gnomes could perform. I named the gnome that Turd gave me, Hans, and told him that his job was to protect Mr. Pops (my turtle). A couple of days later, as some of you may remember, Mr. Pops was found dead on his bridge. Well, I didn't want to blame the tragedy on Hans since there was no sign of a struggle at the scene. So, after I had some time to grieve, I reassigned Hans to slightly easier jobs, such as making sure my printer didn't jam. Well, my printer never jamed, but that's only because ever since I gave Hans the job, the printer hasn't worked AT ALL! Coincidence? Well, I learned that gnomes are happiest in garden environments (hence "Garden Gnomes), and I decided that Hans was simply depressed and needed a change of scenery. So, as a last resort, I gave Hans the duty of tending to my potted plant (which had bloomed hot pink flowers all semester). First, all the petals wilted off, then the plant began to die. I tried to save the plant by adding some miracle grow to it, but the plant continued to wilt. Then, a week later, I noticed a weed growing in the pot. This made me come to the conclusion that this gnome was, in some way, evil. I decided to exile him from my apartment to live with someone I am not very fond of, but the gnome has gone missing! I'm really freaked out...what if he knew my plan for him and wants revenge?!?

Please Don't Judge Me

2006-07-05T09:27:00.000-07:00

I've always enjoyed watching scary movies (even though most of them are corny), and I've recently gotten really into watching that stupid show, "Ghost Hunters." If you know me, then you probably know where this blog entry is going... You can make fun of me all you want, but I really think a fun trip would be to head up to Gettysburg and go on the battlefield tour during the day, then go on the ghost tour at night and stay in one of the haunted hotels. Personally, I don't believe in ghosts, but I am scared to death of them. Maybe I'm just a gullible adrenalin junkie that likes to get caught up in the moment. I'm sure that all of my friends think my cheese has slid off my cracker now that I am making this known to the blogger world. It's just that I can't find anyone dumb/nerdy enough to go with me. Sad, I know... I'm not saying that y'all would have to skip out on your precious spring break in any way. I'm just asking for someone to support this idea, if not for the thrill, then for the love of academia. (P.S.- I used the spell checker just for you, PIB.)

FREEDOM!

2006-06-30T15:22:00.000-07:00

Summer is supposed to be a fun, relaxing time (as long as you're not old and stuck with a job like PIB). The only problem is that as soon as school is out, all the cool kids move back home or go to Europe. So, since I was going to be stuck in Dallas anyway, and was unable to find a job that doesn't require me to do any work whatsoever, I decided to enroll in summer school. I figured that it would be a good way to meet other people (like myself) that have nothing else to do with their time. Besides, I really needed the credit hours.
I got really excited when I was able to get a spot in the Human Sexuality class because it only made sense that that would be the class where all the good-looking slackers that partied too hard during the regular school year would be flocking to. Plus, I heard a rumor that you got to watch porn in that class. Well, it turns out that summer school is basically "nerd camp." The few "cool" kids present were either retaking an important class that they had previously failed, or were simply victims like me that didn't know that summer school is a nerd breeding ground.
My class, for example, was full of nerdy pervs that all want to graduate a year early. So, despite popular opionion, even if they had offered a "lab" in this class, I would have been extremely reluctant to participate. And the myth about getting to watch porn? Totally false! The only things we watched that included nudity were "the Miracle of Life," a few slides showing some old person's wrinkly genitals, and (of course) slides of people with severe cases of STDs. Talking about sex for 2 hours a day (5 days a week) is supprisingly boring and not at all arousing. The only day that was supposedly fun was the day the proffessor passed out condoms and stretched one over her arm to show how strong they are, and I skipped that day.
So, I didn't make any new friends, but I did get to spend A LOT of quality time with my roommate whether she liked it or not. I guess it was worth it to get the three credit hours (and an "A" assuming I didn't screw up on the final), but I never want to take summer school again. If this class was hard and boring despite the "fun" topic, I'd hate to think of what any other summer school class would be like. Anyway, now that all is said and done, I'm heading out to Colorado for a bit to cool off. Hopefully by the time I get back I will have figured out what to do with the rest of my summer. PEACE!

Human Sexuality

2006-06-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

Sorry I have been so bad about posting lately. I am taking a human sexuality class this summer that takes up most of my time. However, I have decided to post some of my thoughts on a few of the issues that have been discussed in class. Enjoy!

Women: Why We Envy The Penis

Problem 1:
The mass media has taught the American culture that the human body is ugly. Many people, especially women, have internalized this media bombardment to an unhealthy level. If a boy enters puberty early, he will usually be popular amongst his friends. This is not true for girls. If a girl enters puberty early, she is usually unpopular amongst her peers. She feels awkward about her new development, and people stare at her height and breasts as if it were her choice to look that way. As if these changes were not enough to deal with, girls will begin getting their period once a month, and along with their period comes cramps and, for some, acne breakouts. It is no wonder that women will often times get a little moody during this particular time of the month. However, any change in mood (whether a girl is on her period or not) and men will make comments like, “Oh…it must be that time of the month again,” or my personal favorite, “The only reason it’s called ‘PMS’ is because ‘mad cow disease’ was already taken.”

Problem 2:
Today, and throughout most of history, it has been considered “ok” for a man to have multiple partners. Sometimes it even seems like a competition amongst men to see who can sleep with the most women. However, if a woman chooses to have multiple partners, then she is considered to be a “slut.” I cannot help but wonder where men are finding so many partners unless most woman are sluts.

Problem 3:
Sex, even if it is their first time, feels good for men. In fact, most men orgasm every time they have sex. However, the first time a woman has sex it is very painful and she usually bleeds. Afterwards, the woman is usually sore for a couple of days. Sex will continue to be a painful experience for the next few times that she has sex until she “gets used to it.” Even after the woman is used to having sex, it is unfairly rare for a woman to orgasm during sex. Some women will never orgasm during sex! Even with manual or oral stimulation, it is much more difficult for a woman to orgasm than it is for a man. As if this was not enough, once a woman has had sex once, she has given up “her gift” and is no longer as desirable.

Problem 4:
The real reason why people should not sleep around a lot is the rising problem of sexually transmitted diseases (STDs). Although it is possible for either sex to contract STDs, statistics show that it is more likely that men will only be carriers of the disease and never show actual symptoms of the disease. Women, however, will almost always show symptoms of the disease that they contract.

Problem 5:
For some women, one of the scariest STDs you can contract is a baby (after all, babies are very similar to parasites while in the womb). When it comes to pregnancy, it always seems to be the woman’s fault. Before people had a real understanding of biology, it was the woman’s fault for having a girl instead of a more desirable boy (which is another problem in itself because we then conclude that it is more desirable to be born a boy than a girl), and it was the woman’s fault if she had a miscarriage during a wanted pregnancy, or for becoming pregnant at an “inconvenient” time. Today, it is the woman’s responsibility to be prepared with some form of contraception (assuming that her faith allows her to use contraception). If she does end up getting pregnant anyway outside of marriage, then she will bring shame to her family, and there is a possibility that the man that impregnated her will leave her. Even with laws, there is no guarantee that the man will pay child support. Assuming that the woman keeps the child, survival will be a struggle since she needs to take care of the baby, and few jobs will hire a woman that would need such flexible hours. The probability that she will find a new mate is low since men will not want to use their resources on a child that is not theirs.

Problem 6:
Abortion is one of the most heated issues, one that evokes emotionally-charged feelings, disagreements, and discussions. Should a woman be allowed to decide for herself whether or not to have an abortion? During this initial nine-week period after conception, a fetus/embryo is just a cluster of protoplasmic cells. It is like any other cluster of cells in the body. The embryo during the first trimester is in such a primitive stage that one cannot distinguish an embryo of a human being from an embryo of a pig. So, if no one wants the child, why is it wrong for a woman to decide to abort the pregnancy? Making a woman refrain from an abortion is a direct violation of her rights as a living human being. A woman should have the ability to choose, especially when it comes down to her body. She, just like everyone else in this country, has certain inalienable rights to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. If the potential for having a child does align with the mother’s want for a child for whatever reason, she should be able to abort the pregnancy before the embryo develops any further. She should never be forced to put her life and body second to something that is nothing more than a clusters of cells. However, many people believe that if a woman engages in intercourse – even unwillingly - then she is responsible for the baby from the moment of conception. If a woman is pregnant and is considering abortion, one of the issues that one needs to consider is “Does a fetus’s future hold a greater importance than the future of a woman?”

Problem 7:
When women get older, they lose their purpose in this life because they are no longer able to “be fruitful and multiply.” Men are instinctively aware of this. Could this be why men are likely to cheat on and/or divorce a woman once she no longer portrays that youthful image that he married? It is not uncommon for older men to pursue women half their age, but it is very strange when a woman pursues a man that is much younger than her. For example, does the American public really think that Ashton will stay with Demi when her age starts to take toll on her body, causing her to shrink and wither? Although women do tend to live longer than men, they seem to have less value in our society compared to old men.

Conclusion:
It is a man’s world, and the women are just along for the ride.

Off to Mexico...

2006-05-26T12:47:00.000-07:00

Jealous?

(Heh heh...that's what I thought!)

A Random Deep Thought

2006-04-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

Why does the letter 'x' make a 'z' sound when placed at the begining of a word? Why not just use a 'z' to make the 'z' sound instead of an 'x'? Are there any words that begin in 'x' that make an actual 'x' sound? And how come only certain words that begin with a 'z' sound start with 'x' and not others? Like...why not spell it 'xebra' instead of 'zebra'? And on that note...what's with silent letters? I bet some dislexic dictionary writter screwed up and everyone was too shy to point out his mistake because the dislexic dictionary writter would think they were just making fun of his....dislexicness. I asked a certain dislexic person (whom we shall call Mot Tfiws) how they tested for dislexia, and he said that they made him read and write a bunch of stuff on a timed test, and that he would get letters mixed up and such. Well, those of us that know Mot are very aware that he isn't the brightest crayon in the box... So, we bravely asked, "Um...so, how do you know you're not just stupid?" We don't see much of him anymore...

EASTER

2006-04-12T11:27:00.000-07:00

How many of y'all are excited about celebrating Easter?!? I know I am...well, not necessarily the part about Jesus crawling out of a cave (though that was pretty awesome on his part), but rather the long weekend, egg hunts, and bunnies that are associated with the Easter holiday. This year I really want to go on an egg hunt, but Grammy Pammy thinks that I'm too old and will have a hard time finding a place that lets "adult-age-children" participate.
I really don't see what is so wrong with letting a 20 year old participate in an egg hunt. Afterall, the egg hunt is a Pagan tradition that represents fornication. The eggs in the egg hunt are supposed to represent the ovaries, the children competing to get the eggs are supposed to represent the sperm, and the child that finds the golden egg is supposed to represnt fertilization (and, thus, gets the grand prize). The Easter bunny is, of course, the master of this event (breeding like rabbits). Now, for those of you that already knew all of this and think that I'm stupid, why is it that only little children are allowed to participate in this X rated event?!? Do we really want to be encouraging that sort of behavior to children under ten years of age? Personally, I think that there should be a minimum age of 18 to participate in the filthy activity.
Anyway, I really hope that I will have a place to egg hunt on Sunday.

DANCE DANCE REVOLUTION!

2006-04-03T10:13:00.000-07:00

The other day, my roommate gave me the BEST present EVER. It's a playstation game called Dance Dance Revolution. For those of you that have heard of it and think it's gay- i don't think we can be friends anymore. The game comes with a power pad, and you have to dance certain steps on the pad to the beat of the music in order to do well. It really is the most fun I have ever had working out. Last night Melissa and I danced nonstop from 10-2. I'd tell you more about it, but I'm gonna go play now!

Trevor's Don't Grow on Trees

2006-03-20T10:25:00.000-08:00

Ever notice that when someone tells you that can't have something, it makes you want it more? Well, for the past three and a half years I have been told repetetivly that, "Trevors don't grow on trees." I have tried to prove this statement wrong on several occasions until PIB finally labeled me a "serial dater." Sometimes I think I've found found a Trevor growing on a tree, but, due to my gnomish size, can never reach high enough to get him down. I've had to resort to the "imitator Trevors" that grow on bushes. Although these Trevors are available by the handful, they just aren't as special as the real ones that grow at the top of the very tall tree. I would wait for one to fall from the tree, but by then he might be bruised or rotten. So I take my imitator Trevors and try to pull them off as the real ones to my friends and family, but they can all tell the difference. I'm mainly writting this to piss PIB off, but I guess none of this makes sense if they aren't together anymore...

Lent...

2006-03-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it's lent again. Another perfect time for me to break promises to myself and lie to my friends. I benged with my friends on Tuesday as they got their fill of the food that they won't be able to endulge in for the next 40 days or so. I decided to do the girl thing and give up sweets for lint. It sucks...and exactly 38 hours into lint I made an emergency run to J.D.'s Chippery and scarfed down 4 cookies. I'm a HORRIBLE person! I wonder what the punnishment is for breaking my lint promise. Let me know what y'all have decided to give up for lent!

Answer to The Riddle

2006-02-21T11:54:00.001-08:00

Someone has FINALLY answered the riddle!

Q) You are in a room with no doors and no windows. Inside the room is a mirror and a table. How do you escape?

A) Look into the mirror and see what you saw. Take the saw and cut the table in half. Two halves make a whole. Climb through the hole to escape.

(The person that answered this riddle would like eveyone to know that he is very cute and very single.)

Valentine's Day

2006-02-15T11:08:00.000-08:00

Here's an idea: let's create a holiday just for people with boyfriends/girlfriends! Oh wait...That's Valentine's Day: The biggest hit or miss day of the year! In my case, this day is almost ALWAYS a miss. I do not have a boyfriend, but why should that stop me from celebrating this day of love? Well, here are a few reasons why attempting to celebrate has added to my depression:

1) I realized that the flowers I received would last longer than most of my relationships
2) Dressing up and going to dinner with my roommate probably made everyone at the restraunt classify me as a lesbian
3) I still feel nautious 24 hours later from all of the cookies and candy I consumed while watching the Valentine's Day specials on TV
4) All of the cookies and candy I ate are most likely a factor in why I do not have a boyfriend
5) AND...After realizing these problems over a few glasses of wine I attempted to hit on a gay guy

So I would just like to thank everyone that is in a relationship for rubbing this holiday in the faces of all of the single people out there. We will be the ones handing you that pint of ice cream at the end of the day saying, "I told you so..."

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!

Finally! Answers That I Can Agree With!

2006-02-13T10:21:00.000-08:00

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.
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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.
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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!
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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.
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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!
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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?
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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.
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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!
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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.
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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Mass e-mails

2006-02-13T10:10:00.000-08:00

I (like many people) receive mass e-mails from friends and family. Sometimes they are really good and worth reading, but 75% of the time they suck. For example, I recently received an e-mail with a riddle. Normally this type of e-mail would be moderately entertaining, but this particular e-mail DID NOT provide an answer to the riddle. If anyone knows the answer PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE reply!

You are in a room with no windows and no doors. Inside the room is a table and a mirror. How do you escape???

To honor a request made by my baby sister...

2006-01-28T22:06:00.000-08:00

My sister asked me to repost my entry about the sudden passing of Mr. Pop's (and Charles) on her BLOG.

So, without further ado, let's revisit that plastic habitat one last time where turtle and hippo once lived together side-by-side:

***

My sister has a turtle named Mr. Pops, which she acquired a little over a year ago while she was a student at THIS SCHOOL.

Well, actually, I should say that my sister had a turtle named Mr. Pops. Mr. Pops died last Thursday. I am told that he went peacefully in his sleep.

If you read my sister's blog you already know that we had a memorial service, and it was well attended. We buried him underneath the big oak tree in my father's front yard (don't tell the Highland Park police). My aunt brought her Bible and read a prayer, I was selected to read a poem, my father helped with the "burial", my sister cried, and the three dogs watched from the car (I have it on good authority that Gypsy Kitty prayed for the recently deceased).

It was a beautiful service for a loving member of the family (even if he was just a turtle).

Anyway, Mr. Pops shared his plastic habitat with a hippo named Charles. Mr. Pops and Charles are very close (I'm using the present tense on purpose because we buried Charles-the-hippo with Mr. Pops). Charles, you see, was never a really-real hippo. He was, in reality, a toy hippo - a zoo replica, if you will. But Mr. Pops always thought of Charles as being a really-real hippo (much in the same way that the Velvetine Rabbit was a really-real bunny). They were best friends and roommates, and it makes us all feel better to know that Charles accompanied Mr. Pops on his journey over the rainbow. I don't think that anyone would want it any other way.

As a tribute to Mr. Pops and Charles I would like to offer the following story about another turtle-hippo friendship:

NAIROBI (AFP) - A baby hippopotamus that survived the tsunami waves on the Kenyan coast has formed a strong bond with a giant male century-old tortoise, in an animal facility in the port city of Mombassa, officials said.

The hippopotamus, nicknamed Owen and weighing about 300 kilograms (650 pounds), was swept down Sabaki River into the Indian Ocean, then forced back to shore when tsunami waves struck the Kenyan coast on December 26, before wildlife rangers rescued him.

"It is incredible. A-less-than-a-year-old hippo has adopted a male tortoise, about a century old, and the tortoise seems to be very happy with being a 'mother'," ecologist Paula Kahumbu, who is in charge of Lafarge Park, told AFP.

"After it was swept and lost its mother, the hippo was traumatized. It had to look for something to be a surrogate mother. Fortunately, it landed on the tortoise and established a strong bond. They swim, eat and sleep together," the ecologist added. "The hippo follows the tortoise exactly the way it follows its mother. If somebody approaches the tortoise, the hippo becomes aggressive, as if protecting its biological mother," Kahumbu added.

"The hippo is a young baby, he was left at a very tender age and by nature, hippos are social animals that like to stay with their mothers for four years," he explained.

I love that we live in a world where turtles and hippos - both great big and very, very small - can not only coexist, but live side-by-side like family.

So, goodbye Mr. Pops and Charles! Your legacy lives on and we will never-ever forget you!

~ RIP ~

~ MR. POPS & CHARLES ~

~ 2004-2005 ~

Back To School

2006-01-18T10:34:00.000-08:00

I love the first day of school because there is no penalty for showing up a little late, you don't have to lug any heavy books or spirals around yet, there is no homework, you get to buy new school supplies, AND you get to see what kind of people are in your classes. SMU is stereotyped for having very attractive-looking students, but (unfortunately) none of those people ever seem to end up in any of my classes. In the past I have gotten stuck in classes with some pretty nerdy, not-so-cute looking people. You'd think this would be good because there would be fewer distractions and the nerds could help you study in exchange for getting to associate themselves with you...but this is never the case. Nerds are competitive bastards! They do not want to help you. They want to intimidate you with their intellect, make you look stupid, and watch you fail. So, I was relieved to see that most of my classes are packed to the brim with the sorority and fraternity crowd (who I had plenty of time to study during rush). I know what their intentions are. They simply want to attend as few classes as possible and still pass the class...and maybe get a date or two in the process. They are no threat to me socially or intellectually. I like the color pink damnit! I have a good feeling about this semester.

Go Kappa, Then Go Home!

2006-01-17T12:42:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad that rush is over...even if that means starting school again. I know that rush is supposed to be this great opportunity to bond with your sisters (since you're trapped in the house all day with them against your will), but sometimes you really just want to have "alone" time...which I quickly discovered is unacceptable in the sorority world. Every time I would go sit alone somewhere to relax, one of the girls would run over to me so fast you'd think I was having a seizure or something. I guess they felt sorry for me because I was sitting alone rather than in a large cirlce of girls. They would always try to drag me over to join in whatever dramatic gossip about people I don't even know was going around at the time. Girls are weird because they have this ridiculous fear of sitting/eating alone. We are too self conscious...which is why we feel the need to talk so much in order to avoid any awkward silences in a conversation. I was definatly on girl-overload, and was happy to see boys walking around campus again. I'm glad I have a year to destress before rush starts again.

Rest in Peace Mr. Pops

2005-12-29T11:52:00.000-08:00

Sometime early this morning, Mr. Pops passed away. He was found curled up with Charles, his plastic hippo, near the red bridge in his plastic paradise. His cause of death is unknown, but it is suspected that obesity and old age may have been significant factors.
Mr. Pops began his short life at a pet store in Birmingham, AL. He was purchased by one of my Kappa sisters and presented to me as a pet in September of 2004. He was an instant companion, making those lonely days I spent at Auburn more barable. He was a frequent traveler, going wherever I needed to go (even if it meant being shoved into my jean pockets while I snuck him through airport security). Mr. Pops was accepting of all things he came into contact with including Mikey the cat, who most likely wanted to eat him. He survived many unexpected disasters such as his "sun" exploding, and the great moss invasion (which was sadly caused by PIB's unwillingness to clean his cage when he was unfairly exiled from the SMU dorms).
He was a turtle, pet, and friend to all who were lucky enough to have known him. I know he is in a better, bigger habitat now.
A small service will be held later this afternoon. All are welcome to attend.

I'm Crazy

2005-12-16T00:07:00.000-08:00

I never said that I don't like relationships because there is nothing quite like needing someone special to talk to, and be able to say everything you couldn't put into words with a hug or a kiss. I just said that the thing that sucks about relationships is that when they are over, even if you see that person everyday, you feel like you've lost something. Like you've lost a best friend even though you still can hang out with them. It is just never the same. You can't talk to them the same way...it's like a big game of pretend, especially if one of the people has to pretend not to have those strong feelings anymore. I saw my ex boyfriend the other day with his new girlfriend. He looked really happy, and it was really hard for me to pretend to be happy for him (like an out-of-body experience). I think the thing that crushed me the most about seeing him was knowing that he had moved on, that he was happier without me, and that he didn't look crazy (nor did the tragic-looking girl that he was with). PIB told me, "If the reason all your relationships have failed is because all those guys went 'crazy,' and the one thing that they all have in common is you...either you drove them crazy, or you labeled the wrong person in the relationship." I just wish that I could have figured these things out a lot earlier than 2am on a Friday.

I'll be home for Christmas...NOT!

2005-12-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

Im leaving for Hawaii tomorrow, and I have decided NOT to come home. Life here is so miserable and predictable. I need an escape.

A little irritated...

2005-12-14T01:02:00.000-08:00

Well, I was out walking Dolly this morning when a navy SUV (that strongly resembled the one PIB drives) pulled into the driveway next to my apartment. Dolly got all excited and wiggly thinking that it was PIB coming to get her and take her back to her house. I was slightly offended by her excitment. I mean, she gets to see PIB all the time! She should have been sad at the idea of leaving me! After all, I have been letting her sleep in as long as she wants, taking her on nice walks, feeding her, filling her water bowl with Ozarka bottled water, and letting her watch animal planet all day long. I even went to the store to buy her beef-flavored dog bones. And what do I get in return?!? A dog with bad gas! She looked at that SUV as if trying to say, "Thank God! I've been rescued!" I was very disappointed. I told her, "BAD DOG!" then quickly walked her back to my apartment.

Princess Dolly

2005-12-13T02:08:00.000-08:00

Dolly is the best dog in the whole wide world. I'm strongly considering having her stay with me year round at the apartment.

Can I Keep Him?

2005-12-07T02:10:00.000-08:00

Some fool gave the Turd a poor little ginea pig for secret santa, and he doesn't want it. I feel so bad for the little ginea pig...all he wants is a warm, loving home for Christmas. It makes me sad to think of all of the pets that will be bought as presents this year that will be unwanted and abandoned, and it makes me just as sad to think of all the animals that won't have a "forever home" at all this Christmas. I really want to adopt this cute, lonely ginea pig, but Mikey the cat would surely try to eat him. Maybe I can keep him at PIB's house...Please?!?

Crush

2005-12-03T00:49:00.000-08:00

A large bouquet of roses was delivered to my apartment today...addressed to ME! I feel pretty damn special! I might have to keep this Tom guy around for a while. I know y'all are all very jealous.

I should be studying...

2005-11-28T10:10:00.000-08:00

Dear Fans of The Land-O-Gnome,
I had all of these great plans to reorganize, write my paper, study for math, and catch up on sleep over Thanksgiving break. So, I went hunting with Tom instead. Shiooooot! I cannot wait for this semester to be over! Y'all prolly won't be hearing from me for a while. As soon as I get out of class today, I am going to lock myself in a little cave and get my study on. Unless you are PIB, Melissa, Judith, or Tom...I bid you all farewell and good luck with the rest of the semester (except for those that have royally pissed me off or have lost all contact with me in the last month or so).
xoxo,
~The Runt

P.S.~ I strongly recommend all of y'all (especially Mikey) to check out PIB's (Blinky Moments) memorial to Tinkerbell. R.I.P Tinky.

A few things that really grind my gears:

2005-11-17T12:55:00.000-08:00

People who play Christmas music before Thanksgiving
People that think tetris is a stupid game (you just don't like it cuz you sucked at it when you were 12, and you still suck at it now)
My imaginary boyfriend never having time to hang out with me
Judith's boyfriend desperately needing a sex change
The family of rats that roams around our backyard (in the middle of the friggin day)
The animal that pissed in our kitchen cabinet (Mikey...if that was you im gonna take you to get neutered for a second time)
Not being able to turn on the heater without the fire alarm going off
school
And...SQUIRRELS!

Relationshits

2005-11-15T20:34:00.000-08:00

Relationships are like squirrels. At first they look all cute and cuddly, then maybe you let 'em get away with throwing a few acorns at you, and before you know it...You see the squirrel for what it really is: a cheap, ugly tree rat that would rather give you rabies than its trust and affection. Sure, maybe you have met a nice squirrel before. It was probably just putting on a show so that it could win a few crumbs from you. Chances are that "nice" squirrel will just breed to make more mean, ugly tree rats. VIVA LA RESISTANCE!

Red, Red Wine

2005-11-13T20:02:00.001-08:00

I concur with Melissa. I may never drink again.

Crazy

2005-11-10T12:50:00.000-08:00

So we all baught these really fancy paintball guns, and are waiting for the perfect opportunity to head down to the ranch to play an intense game of cowboys and Indians on the dunebuggies. Melissa and I wanna be the cowboys so that we can give the Indians our white man diseases....plus our guns are much more hightech than our oponents. If only stupid PIB and Mr. PIB could go with us... My weekends are filling up way too fast. Next weekend is Idlewild, then it's Thanksgiving...not to mention exams.
Other than that, I met the perfect guy the other day. Melissa and I went and kidnapped him from his dorm the other night and took him back to our cave. I'm kinda worried that our excitment may have perminantly scared him off.

Fate?

2005-11-09T17:23:00.000-08:00

When you find exactly what you're looking for, is it fate? And is it fate when you lose what you have found? Sometimes it seems that boys just don't know how to say goodbye...and girls just don't know when to let go. I guess that is why God gave us squirrels...so we could have something to blame when it's nobody's fault, and everything has gone wrong.

Nuts For Mutts: A Family Outing

2005-11-06T00:50:00.000-08:00

My roommate went out of town for the weekend. So once again, I was left home alone with Mikey. Out of all of the stupid things I could possibly think of to do, I decided to have a friend over to watch scary movies...which was fine until my friend had to go home. Every little noise made me jump, and, every time I walked around the corner, Mikey was waiting to suprise/ give me a heart attack. It was no wonder that the little amount of sleep I was able to get was packed with nightmares that had me waking up in a sweat afraid to fall back asleep.
I was a little shocked when my phone started ringing about a quarter to eight. It was PIB, wandering if I was gonna go on the "Nuts for Mutts" fun run to raise money for the SPCA. Personally, I think that anyone functioning in a peppy mood that early on a Saterday morning should be shot. I have never been a morning person, but PIB put me on this horrible guilt trip about how I had a responsibility as Dolly's owner to walk her in the fundraiser. She went on and on about how Dolly had been looking forward to this event all week, and how excited Dolly was, and that all of Dolly's friends were gonna be there, but that she was just gonna have to break it to her that, "I'm sorry Dolly, but your mother would rather sleep in this morning than walk you in this event." Geeze! Of course I got up and went to the fundraiser. I just wish that someone would have given me at least a 24 hour notice before calling me at the ass crack of dawn.
I was a little shocked at how little faith they had in me this morning. Right as I opened my door, Mr. PIB was standing there to make sure I wasn't gonna try to back out at the last minute. My eyes were still so tired that they were burning, and Gypsy licking me in the ear right as I got into the car did not improve my mood much...nor did PIB's singing of "You Are My Sunshine" for that matter.
Apparently there were several fundraiser walks going on today because at one point Grammy Pammy and I took a wrong turn and ended up walking a couple of blocks with a group trying to raise money for people with diabetes. That wasn't awkward...especially when Grammy Pammy turned to some (ahem) "larger" people and asked them why they weren't "strutting their mutt." Other than that, the walk was fun. I was actually really glad that I went...until the end of the race when the family started teasing me again about how they refer to me as "the family flake." I really felt like I deserved more credit for tolerating their behavior at the ridiculous morning hour, but I really was too tired to complain. If it wasn't for Dolly, I would never put up with such abuse.

Yoho! A Pirates Life I Dream...

2005-11-03T12:26:00.000-08:00

Have you ever wanted to just climb aboard that J22 with your best friend, drop the main, pull the jib tight, and just see where the wind takes you? Find men when you're lonely, and toss them overboard into shark infested waters once you get tired of them? Have a cave of wonders with your own treasure? Attack people just to steal their food? Have a little turtle sitting on your shoulder named Mr. Pops? Sink Uncle Scoop's fat yacht (I mean..)? Kidnap ex bofriends to make them swab the deck? Don't you wanna just keep on sailing til you find that island without squirrels, where Trevors grow on trees (jk PIB)? I know I do!

About That Festival...

2005-11-01T21:03:00.000-08:00

PIB seemed pretty concerned about Melissa's comment about the "fried squirrel festival." Well, no need to worry (I think). I had this really weird dream the other night that went something like this:
I was going over to get my bike, and when I left, there were all these older women walking around with trays that had these shriveled up, hairless, baby hampster-looking things on them. One of the women came up to me and asked, "Would you like to try a fried squirrel?!?" I was horrified. I mean, who eats tree rats? She explained that it was the SMU Fried Squirrel Festival, and that everyone pitches in to round up all the squirrels to fry and eat. At that point, I got on my bike and started to pedal away as fast as I could. There were ditches of dead fried squirrels EVERYWHERE, and just as many Stepford wife-looking women walking around to serve them to people.
When I woke up, I really couldn't decide whether my dream was a nightmare or not. I mean, as gross as it was that people would actually want to eat something as gross as a disease infested squirrel, it was kinda cool that all the squirrels were gone.

Tree Rats

2005-11-01T11:23:00.000-08:00

Ever since I was little, I have had "issues" with squirrels. It all started at about age 4, when one had just been hit by a car and I ran over to help it. The little fucker BIT me! After that day, I would sit by the backyard window with my brother and a pellet gun, waiting for any unsuspecting rats with bushy tails to wander by.
About a month ago, I was out playing some lax when one of em threw an acorn at me. He was obviously trying to prepair for the long cold winter, but I took this as an initiative for war. I sat and watched as the lil bastard climbed down the tree with a large nut of some sort. I waited as he found the perfect spot to bury it. Then, I walked over and dug it up. I took his nut and walked away. It was awesome! REVENGE!

I'm a Sad Bunny

2005-10-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

Will says that I am going to go play tennis. ok.

"The Chick Magnet"

2005-10-29T16:59:00.000-07:00

Melissa and I decided to go to the "Heaven and Hell" costume party last night. What a zoo! All of the girls, including ourselves, were wearing the most scandalous outfits we could find. The guys seemed more intoxicated than usual. I guess they thought that our inappropriate costumes gave them the right to act more inappropriately than usual. While trying to find the bathroom, I began to notice that this drunk guy with naked barbies strapped all over his body was following me. When I turned around to see if he had any clue as to where the bathroom was, he grabbed me and started tying to makeout with me. As I pushed him away, I couldn't help but shout, "Who ARE you?!?" He started pointing to all the naked barbies strapped to his body, then proudly said, "I'm a chick magnet!" Now THAT'S a clever costume!

Thomas W. Kates

2005-10-27T13:25:00.000-07:00

Sometime last night, Mr. Thomas W. Kates got into his car and shot himself. He was a teacher, comedian, roll model...My friend. If you went to Kent, or were lucky enough to know him, I'm sure you've quoted him at least a dozen times. His young, vibrant, frat-boy attitude was contagious.
I wonder what he was thinking about last night. I can recall times that I have sat alone in a cold dark place gambling with my life. It's hard to be alone at this time of the year when the days get noticably shorter, and the nights get increasingly longer and more restless. Our routines have been established, and we rarely do anything spur of the moment. It's exhausting when life goes on each day with work piling up, friends too busy to hang out, the colors of our world fading slowly into a lifeless black and white as winter approaches.
Kates added flavor to those days at Kent when it was too cold to go into town, and all the students would disappear into their dorm room caves. Everyone loved him except for him. I feel that way about myself sometimes, and can recall moments that I wished I could free myself from myself. I'm sure we've all pondered whether or not this [our life right now] is as good as it's gonna get.
The haze on Algo's height is not always rent, but we cannot stop the light of a new day from coming. Life goes on. We miss you so much Tom Kates, and promise to remember the dawn at Kent 'til dawn and darkness are no more.

Happy Birthday, FANTASTIC ONE!!

2005-10-26T15:30:00.000-07:00

HAPPY 20th BIRTHDAY!!
WE ALL LOVE YOU!!

Birthday!

2005-10-26T13:09:00.000-07:00

This is the first birthday I've spent at home in 7 years. I'm so glad that I moved home. All of my birthday wishes have come true, and I haven't even blown out my candles yet! I love all of y'all so so much! XOXO

Feeling Used

2005-10-26T00:13:00.000-07:00

I really don't expect much from people. If I did, then I would probably find myself to be disappointed most of the time. But when you're friends with someone, you shouldn't just call on them when you want something. I'm not a vending machine. Vending machines don't have feelings. I do. But if you are going to treat me like a vending machine, expect to pay a price for whatever it is you want.

Third Wheel

2005-10-24T13:54:00.000-07:00

It's so awkward being the third wheel. It's not that I need a bf. Being single has taken a lot of stress and drama out of my life, and brought me closer to my friends. I don't ever want to be one of those people that's so dependent on their bf that they lose touch with the more important things; like friends and goals.
In a couple of days I will be 20 years old, and have come to the uncomfortable conclusion that I do not like myself. While always a passing phenomenon, usually related to my failure to achieve some tangential personal goal, the effect of these moments tends to ricochet about my life and the lives of those around me. It is very difficult to be yourself when you do not like yourself. These moments of discomfort with ourselves push us away from our center. The trouble with this is that no one is particularly good at being anyone but themselves, and trying to be someone else inevitably turns out to be far more unpleasant than whatever made you dislike yourself to begin with.
If I can't make myself happy, then no one else can...right? Well, I'm slowly discovering that caring for other people makes me feel better about myself. I love my friends, and those of you that really know me know that I would do just about anything for my friends. When I'm alone, getting out of bed in the moring is border-line impossible. This could explain why I have trouble functioning when im in a fight with a friend, or have just lost a friend over a break up. I obsess about it and can't focus on anything else. I balance myself on my friends, and they balance right back on me. Third wheel, tri-pod...whatever you want to call it, its hard to balance if you take any one person out of the equation. We are either in a relationship, or we are the third wheel in the relationship. Right now, I don't mind being that extra support.

Favorite Child

2005-10-20T12:46:00.000-07:00

My brother, sister, and I have been debating for many years as to "who's the favorite child." When at mom's house, we always go around and count which child appears in more framed photos on the coffee table (weird and obsessive, I know). Well, I think I have finally figures it out. My birthday is within a couple of days of Zeus's birthday (my mom's little foo-foo dog). Yesterday, she called to invite me to his birthday party...Yes, my mom is throwing a Halloween party for her friggin DOG! Apparently Zeus already has a costume for this event. She didn't even mention any plans for my birthday, but, when I asked, she said, "You can bring some of your friends over if you want and we can celebrate yours too!" WOW! I feel special... My birthday is going to be overshadowed by something that can hardly pass as a plush toy. If I get the fluffy dog anything for his birthday, it's gonna be an all expense paid trip to the vet to be neutered!

Waiting...

2005-10-19T16:48:00.000-07:00

I've been feeling really frustrated lately. It seems that everyone, when it comes to relationships, is always waiting for "the better offer" to come along. There are probably a million girls out there just like me, and a million more that are better than me... I feel like im at the playground waiting for someone to pick me to be on their team. I alwas worry that I'm going to be picked last.

Silly PIB...

2005-10-17T18:58:00.000-07:00

His name is Jani. If you are going to invade my blog, at least get the facts right. I do really like him, but it is nothing official... I swore off of boys...remember?? I am in an intense relationship with Mr. Pops (my pet turtle). He told me the other day that if I kissed him he would turn into a handsome prince. Then, we could ride off into the sunset on Charles (the plastic hippo), who is really a big white horse. If it weren't for my fear of getting salmonella, I'd prolly be living in his castle right now!

Right...because THAT makes sense!

2005-10-14T08:31:00.000-07:00

The Runt (despite her last post in which she swore off good-looking men) is now dating a NCAA swimmer. Because, you know, those swimmers are COVERED in cellulite and acne (or not)!

Yeah, and get this: his name is YANNI. Yanni. Totally not kidding. And if you ask The Runt about Yanni, you know what she says?:

"Oh, he is SOOOOOO pretty!"

So, essentially, she swore off pretty-boys for a whole 48 hours (which, come to think of it, might be a new record).

Just thought I'd give everyone an update...

Sincerely,

"PIB"

Boys...you are in luck!

2005-10-03T18:13:00.000-07:00

The two most attractive females at SMU are CURRENTLY available. Please contact either me, PIB, or Melissa if you would like to inquire about having one wrapped around your arm. However, I have recently read that guys with nice bodies are ten times more likely to cheat on a girl. So, I personally am looking for a large man who's body consists mainly of cellulite and acne.

Babbling

2005-09-29T13:06:00.000-07:00

So, im in the library right now. I have an hour before my next class, which really isn't enough time to walk back to my apartment. I finally found a date to my Kappa formal. I still want to make the dalmation's life miserble. He just got a new car. I hope he wrecks it!

Lonely Gnome

2005-09-26T22:20:00.000-07:00

Well, jealousy finally got the best of me. Ever since my dalmation hooked up with some random chick, I have had major problems trusting him. I don't know why, but girls really like to analze situations to death, and boys have issues communicating...and usally take the easy way out of things. Anyway, I got dumped over my answering machine, and my Kappa formal is next weekend. I have already bought a really pretty dress, so kinda have to go to the formal. I'm so frustrated because even though I HATE the dalmation...I really miss him sometimes.

It's Dove Season!

2005-09-15T13:07:00.000-07:00

If you are an avid hunter, you are probably aware that it is dove season right now. Well, I would like everyone to know that the doves are fighting back this year. I was walking to class the other day (with some really hot guys walking behind me) when a stupid dove actually flew into my head! The lil rascal hit me! I was running late for class, but watched as the dove made himself comfortable on the ground under a tree. I glared, thinking, "I'll get YOU later!" It was so embarrassing.
To my suprise, however, the dove was still sitting under that tree when I got outta class. No one was around, so I started to chase him. He must have been overheated or something because I was actually able to catch him. Little did I know, another hot guy watched in horror as I chased the stupid dove around and finally picked it up. He obviously didn't know the whole story. Anyway, the damn dove got away, and I had to walk to my next class in shame. I had been defeated by a stupid bird.

FIRE!

2005-09-15T12:48:00.000-07:00

So my next door neighbors decided to BBQ their apartment. Literally! I smelled something cooking outside and opened the blinds only to discover that their entire apartment was engulfed in flames. Being my fantastic self, I quickly dialed 911. Although the disaster was happening only 5 feet from my apartment, I was relaxed because I knew that the fire would get put out before it had a chance to destroy my place.
It was kind of fun watching the firemen run around. It was probably the most entertaining thing I had seen all day. Then, the police department called me to ask if I owned a blue Montero. DAMN! Unfortunatly, my car was also a victim of the fire. The whole left side is scorched, and the paint is all melted. To make matters worse, my fabulous mother forgot to inform me that she had removed comprehensive and collision from my auto insurance plan, AND the apartment insurance does not cover anything other than the building.
The police said I was lucky that my car did not explode since most of the heat was back by the gas tank. I kind of wish my car did explode that day. My mean mommy refuses to buy me a new car because mine still runs just fine...it just looks like it drove through hell. If it was her car, she would replace it immediatly. She is soooooo selfish. When I took my car to get it cleaned in order to assess the damages, one of the workers (who did not graduate from highschool and now makes only minimum wage at the car wash) said that if it was his car, he would just give it away. HA! He felt so sorry for me that he detailed the outside of my car for only $14. He spent at least 45 minutes scraping parts of the building off my car's windows.
So, If you would like to donate money to my cause, I would be forever greatful. I really need a new car! If not, I may have to kidnap my mom's little fluffy dog for ransom money. I mean, someone as cute and fantastic as me cannot be driving a burn victim around town! That's just not right!

I'm a lazy, lazy gnome...

2005-09-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

SUPRISE! I bet y'all didn't think I would ever write again. I bet y'all thought that I had abandoned your not-so-cute butts to spend more time with my dalmation, settle into my apartment, and go to lots of parties that y'all prolly weren't invited to... Well, YOU'RE RIGHT! MUAHAHAHA! Did you really think that someone as cute and fantastic as myself would sit for hours upon hours trying to think of something mind stimulating? DUH! Well, I suppose I could let y'all in on some of my recent adventures.
Life in my apartment is not easy. For whatever reason, it came furnished with a refigerator that does NOT fill itself, and dishwasher that does NOT load itself! So you can prolly imagine my fury when the dalmation came over one day, ate my food, then placed, ever so neatly, his dirty dish in the sink before rushing over to make himself comfy on the couch in front of the T.V. I know... GASP!!! Luckily for him, my fabulous roommate and I have had the patience to house train him.
Along the lines of "training," my pet turtle, Mr. Pops, has been acting so weird since I've moved him into the apartment. He seemed so relaxed when PIB was taking care of him (lthough she refused to clean his cage).I think that he is worried that I will forget to feed him or something (which i prolly would if it wasn't for his behavior). Every time I walk be his cage he starts running all around his cage, then climbs to the top of his ladder just in case I didn't see him. It's like he is trying to train ME! He is doing such a good job that I am considering buying a pill box to put his daily rations in because I forget whether or not I've fed him. He is too fat to fit in his shell now. It's almost embarrassing to introduce him to friends that come over.
Maybe if y'all fuss a little more I will remember to write in this silly BLOG. I really think that this is a nerdy fad that is on the way out, but I guess I should moniter it more often, if only to keep on eye on what PIB is telling people about me. Well, my fabulous public awaits. XOXOXO. Stay cute!

The phone company is dumb...

2005-08-12T12:11:00.000-07:00

Dear Underlings,

THE RUNT will return soon. Her admiring public should cease its incessant worrying. She is fine. Still blonde. Still fantastic.

The delay in postings is the direct result of the phone company's apparent inability to hook up THE RUNT's land line and/or DSL service. I will not mention the phone company's name, but their initials are "S", "B" and "C".

Once THE RUNT's computer connections are reestablished (we are crossing our fingers for sometime next week), the "Fantastic One" will return so her public can (once again) bask in her blondeness.

Sincerely,
"PIB"

A guest posting from the PIB...

2005-08-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

A little runt once made fun of me when I had my "wisdom" untimely ripped from my gums. Me thinks that it is payback time...

Still in the recovery room. She kept talking to me, like I could UNDERSTAND her with gauze in her mouth. She sounded like Charlie Brown's teacher on PEANUTS!

The sleeping gnome...

Three hours later, the gnome slumbers on...

Feel better soon, princess. Your public eagerly awaits your recovery (how else will they know how to look so..."cute"?).

I hear "chipmunk" is so totally IN this summer. Hehe...

If I Had Any Wisdom...It's GONE!

2005-08-02T05:44:00.000-07:00

So, I got my wisdom teeth yanked yesterday. I don't really understand why they are called "wisdom teeth," because a wise person would have evolved to never grow them in the first place! Deals volunteered to take me to my appointment and look after me while I heal...since no one else in my family has the time of day. I'm so glad to know that I'm a priority! Personally, I think she gets some kind of sick pleasure out of having me be dependent on her. The first thing she did when I got out of surgery was grab my camera phone and take some really attractive pictures of my fat, gauze-filled face to send to all of my friends. I felt like a cruelty case on "Animal Cops."
I'm sooo hungry, but can't open my mouth wide enough to shovel anything other than jello in yet. I hate that no one ever calls me to go out to lunch, except for yesterday, when all of my friends called to see if I wanted to grab a bite before surgery...the one day I wasn't allowed to eat.
Deals has work today, so, I guess if I need anything I will just ring my little bell, and if no one comes...get it myself.

I was attacked by BLOGS!

2005-07-28T21:00:00.000-07:00

Ok... for those of you that really know me, you may think it strange that I, of all people, would have a blog. Well, a couple months ago, my sister, Deals, started a blog, and I have since been attacked (in public) by her fans. Deals started this blog for me... She picked out and wrote everything from my sooooo un-true profile to entry number one. I am now taking over to tell y'all the real story.
Deals refers to me as, "The Runt." So, to make things fair, I will refer to her as, "Penciled-in-Brows" or (PIB)...
OH! and for those of you that think I'm dating a dog... "Cabob" is actually a very, very cute boy that happens to be a Dalmation (which is the coast of Croatia). So for all of PIB's fans, I'm sorry if I disappointed any of y'all when I introduced a boy without spots.

Welcome to the world of the fantastic...

2005-07-28T20:53:00.000-07:00

My sister has a BLOG.

I read it.

Then, I started thinking (and got a headache).

I like to help others out.

So, I started this BLOG to help people - UNFORTUNATE people that do not have my looks or perpetual "cuteness" - so they can strive to be more like me.

I know. I'm amazing. One day I will have my own (little) statue.

Anyway, you should now feel special because you are now in MY presence.

Love me.